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Rockous Fun


If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.

Two women were in the next booth to me at the restaurant and part of their converstion was easily overheard..
"I was swept off my feet by a curler, while he was getting his rocks off in the house."
"Was he Good in the Hack?"
" He was some kind of addict, he kept saying he needed a hit."  Could have been an artist though. He kept saying to draw here." " Or he could be a fashion designer.. he said he drew buttons."
"I think the cops are after him... He said something about being followed by the Vice."   Could be something about him saying he still "had the hammer".
"I really think he is trying to get off the  booze. he kept say forget the double,  just get to the tea."
"He must be dieting too.. always referring to there being too much weight or being too heavy."
"He said he had some trouble getting over the hog line because the weight was wrong.. poor guy... said they had to kick him off because he was a hog. He said he had to skip the next time, but wasn't going to go again for one second.
" A real flirt too.. Kept saying how much he loved my curls."
"I also think he may be mafia. He kept talking about putting guards around his house, and he was afraid there may be a hit coming."
"There was also fear they would be throwing rocks at his house." " But it doesn't sound too bad.. He said they were down to their last stone."
"I really think he likes me though. He talked all night about  rings..  large ones too!"
He must come from a large family ...poor though... He kept referring to his backhouse wait and how it was the guy in the lead's turn."
Must have had problems with his furnace too... Said his rocks were frozen in the house... now that's cold!"
"I think it was cold because He said he had to plug the hole or he opened the window."
Anyway  he must be richer now because he talked about getting a raise then ordering a Takeout and there would be a nice delivery.
He may be kinky tho,, he said he needed a biter.. that was it for me.. so I gave him the brush off.. and in a hurry.  It was so hard.


Virtual Curling Try This!! (click me)


One great tradition in curling is broomstacking. The term refers to the social get-together after each game. Originally, curlers, after completing a curling game on the pond, would stack their brooms in front of the fire and enjoy beverages with the opponent. This tradition is still alive today and it is expected that you partake in broomstacking after every game.


Remember When... ???Probably NOT!!

Did you know the rocks in one 8 end game travel 7.8 miles or 11.6 km. or 3/4 of a km each per game. If a lead sweeps all but his own stones he would sweep a total of 4.5 km (2.7 mi.) in 1 game.  Good exercise!!!  The skip on the other hand.....


If your wife said that you had to give up curling or she would leave you ....

Would you miss her?

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what sheet are we on?"

Other Curling Equipment

Mike, an avid classic curler, was driving with his buddy John to Soo Curlers for the afternoon draw.

At that moment a funeral procession went by.

Mike pulled over,sat still and held his hat over his heart, and bowed his head.

His curlingbuddy looked at him and said, "Mike, that was kind and decent of you to show such respect for the dead."

Mike replied, "Yes, we would have been married twenty-six years come tomorrow



A wife, after  returning from the curling rink after playing against with her husband was telling her troubles to a neighbour. "I did everything all wrong again today," she said.

"I talked too loud, I used the wrong turn, I threw too hard, and I won."


Curling Terms
Curling: a game in which you slide rocks along a surface of ice . Rocks you expect to curl, go straight, and rocks you expect to go straight, curl. It's lots of fun and the outcome of the game can be left totally up to chance.
Hack:.A hopelessly untalented curler.
Front End: The 2 players that make the Skip look good.
Take Out: The meal wolfed down between shots in the 3rd game of the day.
Raise: An increase in pay of 100% to an unpaid player after a good shot.
Rings: Gifts brought home to abandoned Curling wives.
Draw: The best outcome of a match between a husband and a wife.
Keen: The attitude of a curler in the first end until the opposition scores 6.
Heavy: The curling rock that Bubba picks up and wipes off the bottom on the chest of his sweater.
Button: Also known as a bench a place to put your tired
butt on.
House: A dwelling a curler owns and dwells in during the summer months and visits between bonspiels in winter.
Sweep: Something a curler (except Skip) will almost kill himself doing on ice, but wouldn't be caught dead doing it at home.
Broom: Also Brush... something for a skip to lean on. He gets tired standing around doing all that....??
Freeze: What you will do until you have swept the first 2 stones.
Skip: The position that all the players think they are playing.
Vice: What the curlers do when they aren't playing.
Second: The amount of time between a button draw and a hack weight takeout.
Lead: Short for leader.. the truely most important member of the team.
Hurry: A way to make it to the washroom between shots.
Hard: The shot you are expected to make to save the end.
Blank: The look on a skip's face when he blows his hammer shot by an open hit and gives up six.
Hammer: What you want to use on a skip after missing that open hit and giving up 6.
In-turn: When all the players throw in the proper order.
Out-turn: When the Vice has thrown 3 stones and thinks he gets another shot.
Guard: Any shot that was supposed to take out an opponent's stone but came up short of the house.
Hit: Any shot that was supposed to be a guard but was too heavy and knocked out a stone or 2 or 3.
Double: What every losing team wants to order  when the opposition asks what they are drinking.
Triple: A double but even better.. especially if you lost.
Negative ice: A skip's explanation for why he missed the shot by a mile.
Off the Broom: The brief moments in a game when the Skip isn't leaning on his broom.
END: What you think a game will never do .. but it does.
Good Curling: Being healthy enough to be at the rink and able to participate. Consider the alternatives.
Great Shot: Any time lady luck is on your side.
Nice try: Crummy shot.
Outside, Inside, Pinched the broom... any of these are used by the skip to say you missed the shot . It never implies that he put the broom in the wrong place in the first place.
Free Guard Zone: The area of the ice where all the shots that were too light end up.
Gallery: The 100's of people that witness you miss the simple hit and stay for the win.
                Also.. the 1 lone soul that witnesses the quadruple angle raise takeout for 8.
Slider: A common expression heard 2hrs. after the game at the lounge table.  as in..
" That thar beer ther.. slider over here will ya!"
Gripper: The guy who knows why every shot was a miss... the ice was too wide, a straw caught the stone, frost on the ice.. wait.. I thought you said GRIPER!
Pick: The reason why the skip came up short on a free draw by 12 feet.
Skins: Those things the players wear with the goosebumps.
Wide: Not Narrow
Narrow: Not wide
Hit: not narrow or wide.. just lucky.
Chip: a short shot with a short backswing in order to land the ball on the green... oops wishing it were summer.
Tee- Line.. the place where you must set up the ball before you.... oops still thinking of summer...
Hog: the first guy to the buffet table at a curling banquet
Hog Line: the rest of the people at the buffet table at a curling banquet
Sheets: what the Newfie curler suffers after 3 jugs of crummy draft beer
Pebble: that huge piece of something that snags under the rock to make it come to a sudden and untimely stop
League: something most players that play in,usually belong in someone else's
Beginner: somone who makes the great shots with the wrong turn and a crappy delivey
Delivery: that beautiful fully balanced rink-long slide with a controlled smooth release that allows the shot to miss anyway
Release: remembering to let go of the rock, remembering to give the correct turn, remembering to apply the correct weight, remembering you were supposed to be throwing the other colour ....just as you let go of the rock
The Flip: the most important measure of skill in the entire game to determine what colour the handles are on the rocks you play
Bonspiel: an excuse to get together with a bunch of guys.. drink some beer, curl a few ends, drink some beer, curl a few more ends..drink some more beer, smoke some cigars, drink some more beer....
Broom Bag: an extra large carrying case that will hold 1 curling broom, 24 cans of beer, 1 bottle scotch, 1 large bag of ice cubes, 3 bags of pretzels and more
Draw  Master: the guy you beat last game that decides that next game you will play will be against the defending world champions
Measurement:  the use of 3 fingers laid against the side of a tall glass to indicate how much rum you want in that glass
Stats: a display, usually on TV, of how many shots you have missed in a row or a percent number of how many shots you have made .. this number can not exceed 30
Tap: that long handle the bar maid pulls to fill the jug
Rocks: what you freeze off while waiting for the opposition to show up
Extra end: the lead and second's most favourite time of the 3rd 10 end game of the day
4 ft: the space between the object rock and the lead's shooter as he misses a takeout
8 ft. the space between the object rock and the 3rd's shooter as he misses a takeout
12 ft. the space between the object rock and the skip's shooter as he misses a takeout
Biter: that one rock in the last end of a tied game that has been shot at and missed 6 times in a row
Tie Breaker: the 10 end  game between the 2 teams tied for 5th place scheduled at 6 am Sun Morning.. can easily be determined by the flip of a coin.
Trophy: that prize they give the winning team that will usually not fit inside a minivan, & takes 4 gloating grown-ups to carry, & takes up to 3/4 of the team picture and has not been engraved for the past 12 years. Smaller varieties fill attics, garages and basements everywhere.
Winners: those that lady luck liked the most
Losers: the most skilled players with the best excuses
Stone: that extremely heavy piece of granite that seems to slide and slide and slide and slide with very little effort
Luck: what the other team always has more of

NEW Rocks on Order

Even though he was the opposing Skip, I had to admit that how he beat me was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

I  think in a  previous life my Skip was a mighty king, because he makes people to do what he says.

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, go Curling, because you'd really be surprised.

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Think You Know The Game??
1. What is the length and width of a sheet of curling ice?
2. What is a "spit"?
3. What is the distance from the backboard to the tee line?
4. What is the distance from the backboard to the hog line?
5. What is the distance from the hack to the  tee line?
6. How far apart are the inside edges of the hacks?
7. What is the maximum allowable weight of an official curling stone?
8. What is Ailsite?
9. Name 1 full time curling professional player.
10. How did the game get its name "Curling"?
answers at bottom of page


Curler: The doctor says I can't curl.
Team mate: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?


A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor
told  her she  needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the
doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."
The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I  curl, so she'll have to take the  bus."


Sweeping is absolutely pointless. Stop listening to your skip. He's been fooling you for years.

-Weight training for curlers: What are you, stupid? It's curling.

-So you weren't a good hockey player as a kid. You took up curling. Well, who's laughing now? Actually, it's still them.

-If your rock isn't going to the right spot, yell at it louder. That will make it do what you want.

-To make things more interesting, give your opponents a good "face-washing" after the whistle.

-And curse liberally.

-And just throw the  rock, already! Some of us have to work tomorrow!

-Should you ever get good enough that you find yourself competing in a match televised nationally on the CBC, before every shot, be sure to discuss each of the implications with your teammates for at least 20 minutes.

-Humidity, air flow, temperature, water type, scraping patterns and pebbling density are all things that are essential to consider when making curling ice. Remember this next time you're trying to pick up at the brier patch. Talking about ice-making drives the ladies crazy.

-Not curling with much accuracy? There's nothing in the rules stating that you can't try throwing the rock down the ice shot-put style. (Not recommended for those with back problems)

-Remember, Canadians are the best damn curlers in the world. Boy, that's something to be proud of.


According to Scottish curlers the term 'hog line' comes from agriculture. Scotland had (has) a lot of sheep farming and baby lambs were known as 'hogs'. After a while the term 'hog' was associated with a 'weakling'. And so, stones that didn't have enough steam to get into the play area were called 'hogs' get the idea. 

Rock Evolution

Curling, "a refrigerated form of lawn bowling."


The world's largest curling rink was built in Regina in 1909. The outdoor rink had nine sheets of ice.

What is the length of a curling sheet from backboard to backboard?


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Who is the most important player on the team?Skip
Kitty minder

If you go curling and you slip and fall, and your friends are all watching, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.


The only problem with curling is that the lucky bounces are always against and the unlucky bounces are always for you.

Curler: Notice any improvement since last year?
Team mate: Bought a new broom, didn't you?


A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Brier.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the arena he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium – his view blocked by a rather large lady in fron of him.
About halfway through the second end, Bob notices an empty seat in the front row He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the arena and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Brier and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Brier we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

Think You Know the Game... answers
1.  146' x 14' 2"
2. also the tee or the the centre of the button
3. 16 ft (teeline to backboard)
4. 37'  ( backboard to hogline)
5. 12' (hack to tee)
6. 6 inches
7. 44 lbs
8. Best stone granite from Scotland
10. from the Scottish word "curr" meaning to rumble